Dear Reader,
I will never forget the day I had my twins. I lay in a hospital bed with my husband in recovery, staring at our two newborns in a surreal moment of fear. When the nurses left us for the night, I remember thinking, “Wait, you’re just going to leave them here?” In that moment, I fully grasped what it meant to be responsible for another person’s life. My mind flooded with thoughts: “I don’t know what I’m doing; I can’t be responsible for them!” “You’re just going to trust me to be in charge of these little human lives?” I felt more anxiety than I could have ever imagined. I recalled all the promises other mothers had made: “You will feel so much joy, so much happiness, so much love.” While those feelings eventually arrived—and powerfully so—no one had warned me about the immense anxiety of being a first-time mother.
In the days that followed, my anxiety surged like rough waves. There were moments when I felt like I was finally figuring things out, and other days when I felt trapped, wondering, “How can I get out of this situation? When do I get a break?” It wasn’t long before I realized that I had only one way forward, and that was acceptance. I had to accept that this was my new normal—that my husband and I were the caretakers of these precious yet overwhelmingly vulnerable babies. It was the hardest experience I have ever faced, as I was forced to find a way forward despite feeling anxious, tired, and overwhelmed. By God’s grace, I persevered long enough to experience incredible growth as an individual, as a parent, and as a wife.
Several things helped me get through it all. A deep-rooted foundation in my faith reminded me that these children were an incredible gift—that God, for some reason, chose my husband and me to be their parents. Trusting in His plan for my life eased the burden I felt. My incredibly supportive and loving husband was a cornerstone during this time. When he saw me falling apart, my openness and vulnerability with him helped me learn to trust another person like never before. Our families stepped in with so much love, attention, and support, often putting their own needs aside to care for us and our little ones. Finally, I discovered a newfound devotion to self-care in the form of running. Although I had always hated running as a child, teenager, and young adult, stepping out on an overwhelming day and simply running provided a psychological release—it was like escaping without ever leaving. Running became my solace, and even five years later, it remains a vital part of my self-care routine. The physical movement, the time spent in God’s nature, and the healing it brings to my mind and body are now undeniable blessings.
Fast forward three years, and I became pregnant with our third child. To my surprise, I didn’t experience the same overwhelming anxiety during this pregnancy. It was a completely different experience this time around. As a therapist and someone who constantly analyzes life, I marveled at how the psyche builds a new tolerance to challenging circumstances. Whether our experiences are good, bad, or somewhere in between, we are incredible beings created in His image and His likeness giving us this incredible innate gift of being able to adapt and grow.
Every day, as I watch our children and cherish the moments we share, I feel deeply grateful. I am grateful for the anxiety, grateful for the hard seasons, and grateful for the opportunities I have been given to figure things out, push myself, learn, fail, and move forward.
As a therapist, I am fully aware that my experience is unique to me, and every mother has their own unique experiences. If you would have asked me even four years ago how I felt about motherhood, it would not be remotely this positive lol. I am just here to remind you that wherever you are in your motherhood journey, you are incredible, you are so deeply loved, so valued, and you are more capable than you know.
Love,
Julia
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